The Hitman's Guide to Making Friends and Finding Love by Alice Winters

Author:Alice Winters [Winters, Alice]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2019-07-29T16:00:00+00:00

Chapter Twenty-Three

-Four months later-

Leland

“I will fucking murder you if you keep doing this shit. I will cut you open and tear you apart piece by piece if you don’t listen to me,” I growl.

I press the “on” button on the vacuum cleaner and the red “clogged” light flashes again.

“You are NOT CLOGGED,” I scream.

Household chores are clearly not my specialty. Hunting people is. But that was my old specialty. My new specialty is keeping the house clean, making supper, and keeping straight A’s in all of my online college classes.

I don’t need to hunt people or kill people anymore because I’m a changed man. I have changed for the better. I have changed for Jackson because I will do anything for him. Even clean the living room with the vacuum from hell.

Deep breath.

I exhale and drop to my knees before laying the vacuum on its side. Then I dutifully tear it apart like I already have once today. I clean out every tiny scrap of anything that could be making it think it’s clogged. Using my phone’s flashlight, I look in every tube and every crevice until I’m positive that it’s as clean as the day it was born.

Then I stand it up and turn it on.

The red light flashes and the brushes refuse to spin.

In a ridiculous fit of anger, I grab the vacuum and hoist it high into the air so its wheels nearly touch the ceiling. Then I bring it down as hard as I can, slamming the wretched piece of shit onto the floor. “Die, you stupid motherfucking piece of shit!” I yell as the base of the vacuum goes flying off, but I don’t let it get too far as I begin beating it with itself in a completely uncalled-for fit of rage. “Die, you cock-sucking, pussy-licking—”

The front door opens, and I quickly look up in horror.

Then confusion when it’s not Jackson letting himself in but the chief of police, Henry Johnson.

“Um…”

We both stare at the massacred vacuum that I am slightly mortified I destroyed. I didn’t mean to destroy it. I just… it was making me unreasonably angry.

“Are you a new type of burglar who breaks things instead of taking them?” Henry asks.

I point at myself. “Me? You’re the one who just let yourself in.”

He points at the remnants of the vacuum. “Yeah, because I heard an awful noise and screaming. When I knocked, no one answered. The door was unlocked, so I let myself in. Is everything alright?”

“There was a spider… on the floor,” I say as I toss the busted handle. “I got it!”

“I would hope you got it after all that.”

“Thanks. That thing has been biting me for weeks, and I just saw it while vacuuming and knew I had to do what it takes to flatten it.”

“You just got pissed at the vacuum, didn’t you?” he asks.

I nod. “I did. It kept saying it was clogged and it wouldn’t work and I just…” I sigh as I slump down to survey the mess.

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